Our world

Remember the nights we'd just lay In the hammock and share music with each other and talk about nothing and everything? In the best conversations, you don’t even remember what you talked about, only how it felt. It was like we weren’t even there, lying together in the backyard. It felt like we were in some place your body can’t visit, some place with no ceiling and no walls and no floor and no instruments. Just in our own world. I miss our world.

You killed me

I kept thinking about how I’d been scared of monsters as a kid. When I was little, I knew monsters weren’t, like, real. But I also knew I could be hurt by things that weren’t real. I knew that made-up things mattered, and could kill you.

You're not in control

I was beginning to learn that your life is a story told about you, not one that you tell. Of course, you pretend to be the author. You have to. You think you’re the painter, but you’re the canvas.

How many times

How many times do I cry myself to sleep before it'll go away? I just wish I was numb

Some days I just feel like I'm dying. It's hard to take a breath without crying and today is one of those. All I want to do is come home and figure out what to make for dinner with you, and snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. It kills me that you think I didn't want our life, I wanted everything with you. I loved being at home with you,  going out with you, one post about me being bored was about me. What about reading all the love posts about you. I love you...legit everything with you because I loved you. I love you so much. I just can't do this...how to you live after that..i know I messed up and made mistakes becausee I didn't love me, i couldn't figure me out. I thought you loved me though.

Some days I just feel like I'm dying. It's hard to take a breath without crying and today is one of those. All I want to do is come home and figure out what to make for dinner with you, and snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. It kills me that you think I didn't want our life, I wanted everything with you. I loved being at home with you,  going out with you...legit everything with you because I loved you. I love you so much. I just can't do this...how to you live after that..i know I messed up and made mistakes becausee I didn't love me, i couldn't figure me out. I thought you loved me though

I just want to drive home to you, I want to run and tackle you and rub my face on your face. I still can't believe every night when I'm driving home that you're not there...i don't care how much time passes . I wanted us more than anything and still do. I made mistakes but I tried to learn and grown from them and it seems a waste to not be able to have our love and show you and prove to you that wed have an amazing life. I'd never stop trying to make you and myself happy.

Into the wild I go: losing my mind, finding my soul

Look around you. How many people do you think are settling? Probably a hellof a lot. People settle into okay relationships, okay jobs, okay friendships, and an okay life...and that okay. Why? Because ok is comfortable, okay pays the bills and provides a warm bed at night. Some people are fine with okay. But okay is not thrilling,it isn't passion, it isn't kissing someone 1000 times because you just can't stop, it's not life changing or unforgettable. Okay is not the reason you risk absolutely everything you've got for the smallest chance that somethibg absolutely amazing could happen. If you want okay then by all means settle. If you want to risk it all to for the chance to be happy and take a risk then stop over thinking and live, take the risk, jump all in. See what happens.

Miles away

I never let My guard go down until you
And now that's messed me up since you're not around
When the high wore off i know you needed space But I don't wanna wait and miss, I don't wanna mistake

Few hundred miles away
Picture your eyes as I fall asleep
Tell myself it's alright, as the tears roll by, I wish I could feel your face
I'm helpless when I'm miles away

I never felt
A room so still
See the future coming
Hope it isn't real
I learned to fake a smile
As the time runs out
Doesn't matter when I'm miles away

What you need

“So i'll let you go / I'll set you free / And when you see what you need to see / When you find you come back to me"? – David Cook

Sometimes the hardest thing for us to accept is that sometimes you actually do have to let someone go if you ever hope to have a chance to be together.

Sometimes you really do have to let go if there is any chance of the two of you working in the future. 

Not everyone you meet is ready for a relationship. Not everyone you fall in love with is at the same place as you mentally and emotionally. Not everyone is going to be ready to give you the kind of love that you need.

This doesn’t always mean it’s the end. It doesn’t mean that the love isn’t there anymore. It simply means that you have to let this person go. You have to let them go so that they can find themselves.

You have to let them go so they can learn to live without you. You have to let them go so they can learn what they want, what they need and how to give it back in return.

Maybe they have demons they need to fight. Maybe they have battles they need to overcome. Regardless of what, letting go of someone doesn’t mean the end, it doesn’t mean that this chapter is closed.

What it does mean is that the timing isn’t right. What it does mean is that you need to take a step back and love them afar. Just because you cant be in their daily life right now, doesn’t mean it will be that way forever.

It just has to be this way right now. For very good reasons, it has to be.

I thought since the moment I saw you that we'd grow old together. I thought we'd grow old, and I'd still touch your old wrinkled feet and one of us would die in our 90s and then the other would die shortly after...because what's the point in living in a world where the other doesn't exist. I remember the first time I saw you, our first date, our first time, our first dance, our first concert...you gave me so many firsts. I never thought you'd give me lasts.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear

For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.

Broken

You ever feel so sad and empty that it feels like you can't breathe? It's awful. I lay in bed Every night and just ache for what I lost. I feel it in every bone in my body. I'm trying so hard..i try not to think, or feel and I'll be good for a few days and then I'll break and I feel like life isn't worth anything anymore. So broken, can't breathe.

I hate that I'm missing out on a chuck of his life, and possibly his whole life. You wouldn't listen to me, you thought I didn't like him...you were wrong. You gave up on me and us to soon. I loved him, I struggled with myself but I loved him. My heart is breaking today and it's because I know I'm missing out on his life, and yours and my family. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you, I'm sorry I failed...i wish you would have given me a chance to show you how I've learned and now it's just to late and my heart is breaking and I can't do this anymore.

You didn't even know

I thought they'd be my family forever. I know we weren't perfect but I loved us, and now I'm just missing out. I'll never see B grow up, I won't be there for anything anymore.. I miss my family.

Because I have to

I really am trying to be positive. I am trying to smile so that I don't always cry. I am trying to go out and be around people and pretend I'm ok. I'm not ok, but I am trying. I'm not sitting around waiting for anything, I'm not crying everyday anymore. I'm trying to move on and somehow trying to move on makes me even sadder because I don't want to. I thought I'd found my person, I never thought someone would love me the way he did...but he did..until he didnt. How do you move on from that? How do you forget that love?

Losing you

Losing you wasn't just painful, it was fucking damaging also. It wasn't me sitting on a couch surrounded by friends while we watched movies and ate food trying to forget you. It was me staying up until 4 in the morning because the thought of you was so strong I couldn't even close my eyes without seeing your face. It was me trying so hard not to fall apart and sob in public, the hole in my chest causing my breath to come out shake and not normal. It was me crying at random hours of the day and not wanting to get out of bed...it was me deleting things of you out of my life and then regretting it because I missed it. Losing you hurts and I'll never forget this pain. I wish I had been smart and better. I wish I had come to you when I struggled and said "I need help, help me so I can be what I need to be for our family" I wish you had come to me and said "hey, I saw this...how can I help, let's fix this " I wish we had been smarter, I wish we could have learned and grown from our mistakes and now it's just all to late. I lost my best friend, my family, my heart. This will never fade.

I lost

My soul is tired. Doesn't matter how much I sleep or how much coffee I drink or how long I lay down. My body has given up. I lost my smile, I lost my happiness. I think one of the hardest things in life is to mourn someone who is still alive. I want to smile and I want to be happy and I try everyday but it just doesn't work. A piece of me died when I lost you and that piece meant A lot to me.

Remember when

Remember when you'd come home and I'd run to hug you and then Tucker would jump on us?  I'd kill for that right now. I'd give anything for you to walk through the door. Id give anything to go back to my home. How am I supposed to move on and be happy when the love of my life and my best friend doesn't want me anymore after how happy we were? You've ruined me for anyone else. I'm always going to compared them to you. They will always fall short. I'm sorry I couldn't be perfect, I'm sorry I fell short. I wish I could either go back in time and never have met you so that I don't feel this pain...or go back and do things better so that I always made you happy and you wouldn't have given up on me and us...remember when we were happy?

Hate

I miss being happy, I miss our home, I miss getting excited to see you after work, I miss your smile, I miss how you looked at me, I miss your hands and the way they touched me, I miss making you laugh, I miss falling asleep with you, I miss waking up with you, I miss cuddles and movies,  I miss our couch, I miss our bed, I miss our dishes. I miss being happy. I feel like my body is breaking all the time. I don't want to live without you. I wish I told you when I struggled, I wish I asked for your help, I wish you could forgive me, I wish we could start over and do better because we learned. I miss you, I love you.