remember NYC

I've been trying so hard to forget and move on. I actively dont think about you or us. But I'm watching a movie that just reminds me of that time in nyc that it poured and we got stuck walking in the rain...remember? I was so happy. I remember that...I remember happy. I miss happy. I miss you. I love you. 

The cruelest thing

The cruelest thing that someone can do to you is first claim to love you more than anything in the world. That they have never seen anything as amazing as you. That you are every star in the night sky, you have a love to give sweeter than any they have ever tasted. That they will never leave you, because my goodness, look at what all you have to give, they are content, they are content, they are content. And then one day, out of the blue they do.

The cruelest thing that someone can do to you is lull you into a false sense of security. Convince you that this, this is the forever love you have been looking for. This is the kind of love you needed all this time, the kind of love you have craved and let you get comfortable in it because it will last, it will last, it will last. And then, one day, they wrap all of their love into a bundle and walk away without a second glance back at you.

The cruelest thing someone can do is convince you that you will be enough for them. That there will never be another that makes them feel this way, play with their hair, tease them, make them coffee in the morning just the way they like it, you are a language that has become their mothertongue, and one cannot forget their mothertongue. And then, one day, they forget all about you, like you never existed and you are left with this language in your mouth that no one else speaks.

The cruelest thing someone can do is simply leave without warning after promising you a life together. They take this soft heart of yours and love it until it’s so full only to throw it to the ground and crush it into a million pieces. They take everything you built together and take a hammer to it like it is nothing but a glass house that is meant to be destroyed. This is the cruelest thing that someone can do to you. Disappear without a warning when they swore they would love you.

He'll always be in my heart

It doesn’t really make sense and it’s definitely nowhere near fair. 
I had my life, and sure there were things  i wished I  could change or struggles i could live without, but i did the best i could and found my “happy enough”. 
Love really never proved to be on my side in the past, but i never gave up on it. And no matter what happened in my life, i kept an open mind and a giving heart.
But even so, i never expected that an extraordinary love could make its way into the cracks of my heart, so when he came along, my world just turned upside down.  
He promised a future i only ever dreamt about. He made me feel safe but also, like i were on the adventure of a lifetime. He loved me in a way no other person, let alone man ever had. 
My life felt purposeful and my love felt meaningful. This wasn’t some mediocre love i could control, it just felt bigger than the two of us. 
i didn’t deserve to feel something so magical for only a short bit of time just have to return to a life without it. That’s not an easy thing to cope with, especially when none of it was what i wanted. 
I'll carry that feeling in my heart forever, and I will never be ashamed of that. He gave me that feeling, so whether i want to or not, I will just always be a connection to him. 
And right now, it may be unbearably painful to feel like i may never get him out of my heart but when my heart heals and doesn’t feel so heavy, I'll  be glad to have the extra weight. 
Because there will come a time when I will stop waiting for a text from him, or even the thought of another moment without him won’t overwhelm me. 
It won’t happen at once, but there will be a day when I will more focused on my life that I'll  slowly let go of him as the person I  was supposed to spend forever with. 
So for now, I love him as long as I  need to, because one day he will be an important piece of the puzzle. One day, I will remember how he made me feel loved, and I  will remember this heartbreak and i will know exactly what I want from someone else. 
One day all the pieces will fit together, and I'll  really truly feel a love ill never have to live without. I'm just always going to wish it was him

Regret

I regret that I'll die with regrets. I wish I could be the person I am now back then. There's so much I'd change and do differently. I be the person you needed and who I needed. I didn't know how to be that person. You made me so happy, you showed me the kind of love I didn't think was real. You made all the books I read seem ridiculous in comparison. I craved that happiness because it felt so good. But I wasn't happy with myself so I clung to you and that was so stupid. I didn't believe in myself at all. I wasn't strong enough for you. I let so much self doubt eat me away, I lost who I wanted to be. And then you lost faith in me too and I just felt like I was drowning. I am learning to be strong, I am learning my self worth. I am trying to love myself and make myself happy .  It's so hard knowing that my failures cost me you and B though. Because I still love you both. I miss you both. I will always live with that regret.

I just miss you

I miss you so much I can't breathe, I feel like I haven't taken a deep breath in 6 months. I miss how our house smelled, I miss having you to come home to, I miss how no matter how bad the day was I had you to come home to. It doesn't matter what I do or how successful I am...I lost you and I'll never be the same. To me, you were everything and I lost everything

How can i live like this

You're  still the one I dream about even though you're not mine.

So I've made a load of your love and I search for someone to cram into your mold.

But I don't know?
No mold of you will fill the hole you left in my heart and life.

What do i do?

I dont know what to do with all this love now that youre gone

Remember

Remember the days when Tucker and I would sit at the couch staring out the window waiting for you? And as soon as you get home we'd rush to jump on You? How stupid we were, how stupid we were to think that you had the same love for us. How stupid we were to give you all the love we had. We are still stupid because if give anything to wait for you again

I don't enjoy

I don't enjoy this life. I get through it. I wake up and go through all the motions I'm supposed to. I do the things I have to but I enjoy nothing. I can't do this forever...I lost everything. I lost a huge chunk of myself.  I don't feel whole, I don't feel happy. I feel lost and empty and sad and alone. I miss my best friend. There's a hole in me and I don't think it will ever be filled. You do not get lucky enough to to have to soul mates. And I messed mine up..if do anything for my family to be back together. I wish this life would just end

Our world

Remember the nights we'd just lay In the hammock and share music with each other and talk about nothing and everything? In the best conversations, you don’t even remember what you talked about, only how it felt. It was like we weren’t even there, lying together in the backyard. It felt like we were in some place your body can’t visit, some place with no ceiling and no walls and no floor and no instruments. Just in our own world. I miss our world.

You killed me

I kept thinking about how I’d been scared of monsters as a kid. When I was little, I knew monsters weren’t, like, real. But I also knew I could be hurt by things that weren’t real. I knew that made-up things mattered, and could kill you.

You're not in control

I was beginning to learn that your life is a story told about you, not one that you tell. Of course, you pretend to be the author. You have to. You think you’re the painter, but you’re the canvas.

How many times

How many times do I cry myself to sleep before it'll go away? I just wish I was numb

Some days I just feel like I'm dying. It's hard to take a breath without crying and today is one of those. All I want to do is come home and figure out what to make for dinner with you, and snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. It kills me that you think I didn't want our life, I wanted everything with you. I loved being at home with you,  going out with you, one post about me being bored was about me. What about reading all the love posts about you. I love you...legit everything with you because I loved you. I love you so much. I just can't do this...how to you live after that..i know I messed up and made mistakes becausee I didn't love me, i couldn't figure me out. I thought you loved me though.

Some days I just feel like I'm dying. It's hard to take a breath without crying and today is one of those. All I want to do is come home and figure out what to make for dinner with you, and snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. It kills me that you think I didn't want our life, I wanted everything with you. I loved being at home with you,  going out with you...legit everything with you because I loved you. I love you so much. I just can't do this...how to you live after that..i know I messed up and made mistakes becausee I didn't love me, i couldn't figure me out. I thought you loved me though

I just want to drive home to you, I want to run and tackle you and rub my face on your face. I still can't believe every night when I'm driving home that you're not there...i don't care how much time passes . I wanted us more than anything and still do. I made mistakes but I tried to learn and grown from them and it seems a waste to not be able to have our love and show you and prove to you that wed have an amazing life. I'd never stop trying to make you and myself happy.

Into the wild I go: losing my mind, finding my soul

Look around you. How many people do you think are settling? Probably a hellof a lot. People settle into okay relationships, okay jobs, okay friendships, and an okay life...and that okay. Why? Because ok is comfortable, okay pays the bills and provides a warm bed at night. Some people are fine with okay. But okay is not thrilling,it isn't passion, it isn't kissing someone 1000 times because you just can't stop, it's not life changing or unforgettable. Okay is not the reason you risk absolutely everything you've got for the smallest chance that somethibg absolutely amazing could happen. If you want okay then by all means settle. If you want to risk it all to for the chance to be happy and take a risk then stop over thinking and live, take the risk, jump all in. See what happens.

Miles away

I never let My guard go down until you
And now that's messed me up since you're not around
When the high wore off i know you needed space But I don't wanna wait and miss, I don't wanna mistake

Few hundred miles away
Picture your eyes as I fall asleep
Tell myself it's alright, as the tears roll by, I wish I could feel your face
I'm helpless when I'm miles away

I never felt
A room so still
See the future coming
Hope it isn't real
I learned to fake a smile
As the time runs out
Doesn't matter when I'm miles away

What you need

“So i'll let you go / I'll set you free / And when you see what you need to see / When you find you come back to me"? – David Cook

Sometimes the hardest thing for us to accept is that sometimes you actually do have to let someone go if you ever hope to have a chance to be together.

Sometimes you really do have to let go if there is any chance of the two of you working in the future. 

Not everyone you meet is ready for a relationship. Not everyone you fall in love with is at the same place as you mentally and emotionally. Not everyone is going to be ready to give you the kind of love that you need.

This doesn’t always mean it’s the end. It doesn’t mean that the love isn’t there anymore. It simply means that you have to let this person go. You have to let them go so that they can find themselves.

You have to let them go so they can learn to live without you. You have to let them go so they can learn what they want, what they need and how to give it back in return.

Maybe they have demons they need to fight. Maybe they have battles they need to overcome. Regardless of what, letting go of someone doesn’t mean the end, it doesn’t mean that this chapter is closed.

What it does mean is that the timing isn’t right. What it does mean is that you need to take a step back and love them afar. Just because you cant be in their daily life right now, doesn’t mean it will be that way forever.

It just has to be this way right now. For very good reasons, it has to be.

I thought since the moment I saw you that we'd grow old together. I thought we'd grow old, and I'd still touch your old wrinkled feet and one of us would die in our 90s and then the other would die shortly after...because what's the point in living in a world where the other doesn't exist. I remember the first time I saw you, our first date, our first time, our first dance, our first concert...you gave me so many firsts. I never thought you'd give me lasts.