I thought since the moment I saw you that we'd grow old together. I thought we'd grow old, and I'd still touch your old wrinkled feet and one of us would die in our 90s and then the other would die shortly after...because what's the point in living in a world where the other doesn't exist. I remember the first time I saw you, our first date, our first time, our first dance, our first concert...you gave me so many firsts. I never thought you'd give me lasts.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear

For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.

Broken

You ever feel so sad and empty that it feels like you can't breathe? It's awful. I lay in bed Every night and just ache for what I lost. I feel it in every bone in my body. I'm trying so hard..i try not to think, or feel and I'll be good for a few days and then I'll break and I feel like life isn't worth anything anymore. So broken, can't breathe.

I hate that I'm missing out on a chuck of his life, and possibly his whole life. You wouldn't listen to me, you thought I didn't like him...you were wrong. You gave up on me and us to soon. I loved him, I struggled with myself but I loved him. My heart is breaking today and it's because I know I'm missing out on his life, and yours and my family. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you, I'm sorry I failed...i wish you would have given me a chance to show you how I've learned and now it's just to late and my heart is breaking and I can't do this anymore.

You didn't even know

I thought they'd be my family forever. I know we weren't perfect but I loved us, and now I'm just missing out. I'll never see B grow up, I won't be there for anything anymore.. I miss my family.

Because I have to

I really am trying to be positive. I am trying to smile so that I don't always cry. I am trying to go out and be around people and pretend I'm ok. I'm not ok, but I am trying. I'm not sitting around waiting for anything, I'm not crying everyday anymore. I'm trying to move on and somehow trying to move on makes me even sadder because I don't want to. I thought I'd found my person, I never thought someone would love me the way he did...but he did..until he didnt. How do you move on from that? How do you forget that love?

Losing you

Losing you wasn't just painful, it was fucking damaging also. It wasn't me sitting on a couch surrounded by friends while we watched movies and ate food trying to forget you. It was me staying up until 4 in the morning because the thought of you was so strong I couldn't even close my eyes without seeing your face. It was me trying so hard not to fall apart and sob in public, the hole in my chest causing my breath to come out shake and not normal. It was me crying at random hours of the day and not wanting to get out of bed...it was me deleting things of you out of my life and then regretting it because I missed it. Losing you hurts and I'll never forget this pain. I wish I had been smart and better. I wish I had come to you when I struggled and said "I need help, help me so I can be what I need to be for our family" I wish you had come to me and said "hey, I saw this...how can I help, let's fix this " I wish we had been smarter, I wish we could have learned and grown from our mistakes and now it's just all to late. I lost my best friend, my family, my heart. This will never fade.

I lost

My soul is tired. Doesn't matter how much I sleep or how much coffee I drink or how long I lay down. My body has given up. I lost my smile, I lost my happiness. I think one of the hardest things in life is to mourn someone who is still alive. I want to smile and I want to be happy and I try everyday but it just doesn't work. A piece of me died when I lost you and that piece meant A lot to me.

Remember when

Remember when you'd come home and I'd run to hug you and then Tucker would jump on us?  I'd kill for that right now. I'd give anything for you to walk through the door. Id give anything to go back to my home. How am I supposed to move on and be happy when the love of my life and my best friend doesn't want me anymore after how happy we were? You've ruined me for anyone else. I'm always going to compared them to you. They will always fall short. I'm sorry I couldn't be perfect, I'm sorry I fell short. I wish I could either go back in time and never have met you so that I don't feel this pain...or go back and do things better so that I always made you happy and you wouldn't have given up on me and us...remember when we were happy?

Hate

I miss being happy, I miss our home, I miss getting excited to see you after work, I miss your smile, I miss how you looked at me, I miss your hands and the way they touched me, I miss making you laugh, I miss falling asleep with you, I miss waking up with you, I miss cuddles and movies,  I miss our couch, I miss our bed, I miss our dishes. I miss being happy. I feel like my body is breaking all the time. I don't want to live without you. I wish I told you when I struggled, I wish I asked for your help, I wish you could forgive me, I wish we could start over and do better because we learned. I miss you, I love you.