remember NYC

I've been trying so hard to forget and move on. I actively dont think about you or us. But I'm watching a movie that just reminds me of that time in nyc that it poured and we got stuck walking in the rain...remember? I was so happy. I remember that...I remember happy. I miss happy. I miss you. I love you. 

The cruelest thing

The cruelest thing that someone can do to you is first claim to love you more than anything in the world. That they have never seen anything as amazing as you. That you are every star in the night sky, you have a love to give sweeter than any they have ever tasted. That they will never leave you, because my goodness, look at what all you have to give, they are content, they are content, they are content. And then one day, out of the blue they do.

The cruelest thing that someone can do to you is lull you into a false sense of security. Convince you that this, this is the forever love you have been looking for. This is the kind of love you needed all this time, the kind of love you have craved and let you get comfortable in it because it will last, it will last, it will last. And then, one day, they wrap all of their love into a bundle and walk away without a second glance back at you.

The cruelest thing someone can do is convince you that you will be enough for them. That there will never be another that makes them feel this way, play with their hair, tease them, make them coffee in the morning just the way they like it, you are a language that has become their mothertongue, and one cannot forget their mothertongue. And then, one day, they forget all about you, like you never existed and you are left with this language in your mouth that no one else speaks.

The cruelest thing someone can do is simply leave without warning after promising you a life together. They take this soft heart of yours and love it until it’s so full only to throw it to the ground and crush it into a million pieces. They take everything you built together and take a hammer to it like it is nothing but a glass house that is meant to be destroyed. This is the cruelest thing that someone can do to you. Disappear without a warning when they swore they would love you.

He'll always be in my heart

It doesn’t really make sense and it’s definitely nowhere near fair. 
I had my life, and sure there were things  i wished I  could change or struggles i could live without, but i did the best i could and found my “happy enough”. 
Love really never proved to be on my side in the past, but i never gave up on it. And no matter what happened in my life, i kept an open mind and a giving heart.
But even so, i never expected that an extraordinary love could make its way into the cracks of my heart, so when he came along, my world just turned upside down.  
He promised a future i only ever dreamt about. He made me feel safe but also, like i were on the adventure of a lifetime. He loved me in a way no other person, let alone man ever had. 
My life felt purposeful and my love felt meaningful. This wasn’t some mediocre love i could control, it just felt bigger than the two of us. 
i didn’t deserve to feel something so magical for only a short bit of time just have to return to a life without it. That’s not an easy thing to cope with, especially when none of it was what i wanted. 
I'll carry that feeling in my heart forever, and I will never be ashamed of that. He gave me that feeling, so whether i want to or not, I will just always be a connection to him. 
And right now, it may be unbearably painful to feel like i may never get him out of my heart but when my heart heals and doesn’t feel so heavy, I'll  be glad to have the extra weight. 
Because there will come a time when I will stop waiting for a text from him, or even the thought of another moment without him won’t overwhelm me. 
It won’t happen at once, but there will be a day when I will more focused on my life that I'll  slowly let go of him as the person I  was supposed to spend forever with. 
So for now, I love him as long as I  need to, because one day he will be an important piece of the puzzle. One day, I will remember how he made me feel loved, and I  will remember this heartbreak and i will know exactly what I want from someone else. 
One day all the pieces will fit together, and I'll  really truly feel a love ill never have to live without. I'm just always going to wish it was him

Regret

I regret that I'll die with regrets. I wish I could be the person I am now back then. There's so much I'd change and do differently. I be the person you needed and who I needed. I didn't know how to be that person. You made me so happy, you showed me the kind of love I didn't think was real. You made all the books I read seem ridiculous in comparison. I craved that happiness because it felt so good. But I wasn't happy with myself so I clung to you and that was so stupid. I didn't believe in myself at all. I wasn't strong enough for you. I let so much self doubt eat me away, I lost who I wanted to be. And then you lost faith in me too and I just felt like I was drowning. I am learning to be strong, I am learning my self worth. I am trying to love myself and make myself happy .  It's so hard knowing that my failures cost me you and B though. Because I still love you both. I miss you both. I will always live with that regret.

I just miss you

I miss you so much I can't breathe, I feel like I haven't taken a deep breath in 6 months. I miss how our house smelled, I miss having you to come home to, I miss how no matter how bad the day was I had you to come home to. It doesn't matter what I do or how successful I am...I lost you and I'll never be the same. To me, you were everything and I lost everything

How can i live like this

You're  still the one I dream about even though you're not mine.

So I've made a load of your love and I search for someone to cram into your mold.

But I don't know?
No mold of you will fill the hole you left in my heart and life.

What do i do?

I dont know what to do with all this love now that youre gone